Tutorial: How to be a Hermit

I LOVE being a hermit. If I could spend the rest of my days being a complete shut-in, I’d be totally okay with that. Don’t get me wrong, a part of me is very much social butterfly, but the older I get, the more often I find myself in need of a lot of alone time. When I leave my house now, I find the outside world mostly just overwhelming and loud. I’ve made a nice home for myself, now I’d like to remain in it. So here it is! Your quick and easy guide to becoming a hermit. I promise, it’s not as difficult as it looks.

Step 1: Acquire hobby or personal interest that doesn’t require leaving the house to accomplish. For me, that’s writing. (And reading) But! Before I decided to devote more of my time to practicing my writing, I didn’t have a hobby at all. Because of this, I devoted way to much time to television. Try not to get stuck marathoning seasons of The Good Wife on Netflix, before you know it you’ll have a human sized imprint in the couch and you’ll be partially blind from staring at a flickering screen.

Step 2: Once you’ve acquired a hobby or interest, it’s important that you develop a disdain for the general public. If you’re still warm and fuzzy about the populous, perhaps you should move to the inner city, where it’s never quiet. Or take the local transit system at peak hours. Even better, wait in line at Starbucks at 8 in the morning. (But don’t, $6 is WAY too much for a cup of coffee) Doing these things will slowly lessen your desire to be around people who often have no consideration for other humans. This will accelerate your desire to stay at home. All. The. Time.

Step 3: Move to a place that has a 8 month long winter. This can include places like: Canada, the Arctic, Iceland… y’know. With constant temperate weather theres a lot of pressure to enjoy yourself. If it’s consistently below zero, pressures off! Why would you go out in that kind of weather? You’re not a penguin.

Step 4: Accumulate necessary hermit supplies. This includes (but is not limited to): a really soft blanket, a subscription to Netflix (Or Shomi…? What’s up with that thing?), an unlimited supply of tea or coffee, comfy sweat pants and most importantly: lots and lots of books. This is an incomplete list. Feel free to add to the list of supplies should your choice of poison varies. Added bourbon to the list? Hey I don’t judge.

Step 5: Now that you’ve got everything you need. Your last step is to sit tight and enjoy the solitude. Hear that? That’s the sound of no one chirping in your ear that it’s your turn for the teller. Smell that? No? Good. That’s no ones insulting body odour in your face on the train at the crack of dawn. Now bury your face in a notebook or a novel and enjoy your private den of solitude!