Yeah Write #203 – The Empty Bottle

Jack flipped the bottle upside down. Clenching it, a drop fell from the lip and hit the table. Defiantly, he slammed the bottle on the table, inches from my resting head.

“Sorry,” I hiccuped, “I guess I got a little carried away.”

 

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15 thoughts on “Yeah Write #203 – The Empty Bottle

  1. I think you absolutely answered the question, M. Your scene is clearly Jack getting mad that the narrator drank his bottle of rum. I’m not sure about a drop of rum “hitting” the table. I know you’re going for aggression without saying straight up “Jack is mad.” You may not need that first sentence; insert “clenching” into the second sentence would give you a few words to let the reader know who Jack and the narrator are (Are they pirates? I hope they’re pirates!) You may not need “defiantly”. Your wise choice of having Jack slam the bottle down next to the narrator’s head tells me what I need to know. Good luck!

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  2. I agree – this meets the criteria for a complete answer to the question as outlined in the kickoff post. Nate has some good suggestions (no surprise there) for spots in which to reconsider your diction. With only 42 words, you’ll want to find the most precise ones. Good luck in the challenge!

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  3. M, I am only just now getting back tot he yeah write, so kind of missed the sweet spot of time for making suggestions. I see a lot of potential in the advice above and think you are right on target for the direction you chose. I will look early for your 204 effort.

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