Jack flipped the bottle upside down. Clenching it, a drop fell from the lip and hit the table. Defiantly, he slammed the bottle on the table, inches from my resting head.
“Sorry,” I hiccuped, “I guess I got a little carried away.”
Jack flipped the bottle upside down. Clenching it, a drop fell from the lip and hit the table. Defiantly, he slammed the bottle on the table, inches from my resting head.
“Sorry,” I hiccuped, “I guess I got a little carried away.”
Writing Through The Monotony 
I think you absolutely answered the question, M. Your scene is clearly Jack getting mad that the narrator drank his bottle of rum. I’m not sure about a drop of rum “hitting” the table. I know you’re going for aggression without saying straight up “Jack is mad.” You may not need that first sentence; insert “clenching” into the second sentence would give you a few words to let the reader know who Jack and the narrator are (Are they pirates? I hope they’re pirates!) You may not need “defiantly”. Your wise choice of having Jack slam the bottle down next to the narrator’s head tells me what I need to know. Good luck!
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Thank you so much! I appreciate the feedback :))
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I wrote “clenching” when I meant “flipped”. Basically merging the first two sentences would delete some words you could use to give setting or character.
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I agree – this meets the criteria for a complete answer to the question as outlined in the kickoff post. Nate has some good suggestions (no surprise there) for spots in which to reconsider your diction. With only 42 words, you’ll want to find the most precise ones. Good luck in the challenge!
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Thanks so much!
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Ah, the devil rum strikes again! Great twisty end.
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Thank you!!
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Pity he didn’t get to the rum first! Nice take.
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Thank you!
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This is a microstory in its truest sense! A whole story encapsulated in just a few words. I want to know so much more! Well done. 🙂
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Thank you for the wonderful feedback! I appreciate it!
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beautiful and free-flowing
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Thank you 🙂
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M, I am only just now getting back tot he yeah write, so kind of missed the sweet spot of time for making suggestions. I see a lot of potential in the advice above and think you are right on target for the direction you chose. I will look early for your 204 effort.
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Thanks Joe!
I think I’m skipping this week – I’m right in the middle of mid terms but f I can squeeze it in I sure will!
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