Day Seventeen: Address one of your worst fears.
My worst fear would have to be the fear of feeling trapped, emotionally and metaphorically – not literally. Although, being literally trapped would be awful too, but you know what I mean. Before I found myself in my relationship, I was perpetually single. Usually after a couple weeks, I would lose interest. This would happen by me finding a personality trait that turned me off, which turned me off completely. This was mostly because I value my personal freedom, and didn’t enjoy the thought of someone else needing my time. Then I met my husband. We fell so fast in love with each other I didn’t really have time to stop and think about how this would change who I am as a person. I didn’t have time to question if moving in after a month was a good idea, or if confessing our love for each other in that same time period was a good idea either. But it felt right. So I went with the flow. Now we’re in a good place, we’ve found a rhythm and we’re finally starting to flow naturally as a couple. I do what I want and he does what he wants and we’re always sure to make time for each other.
But. I’m persistently haunted by the notion that I have lost my freedom and that I’m trapped. Metaphorically. My husband is very aware and cautious to make me feel like I have endless amounts of freedom. Which I do. He’s very encouraging in making sure that I go out with friends, take time off, do things for myself. One of the reasons I fell in love with him is because he’s so supportive. However, if I ever get the feeling that I’m stuck or in a position where I can’t do what I want, I freak out like a cat in water. Seriously! I’ll get entirely too passive aggressive and become anxious all the time. It looms over our relationship like a black cloud.
So what do I do? I teach myself to become calm, to release control. (It’s a process, trust me!) I take time off from work and my life to go on trips with my girlfriends or go out for wine. I take time for myself, without neglecting my husband. It seems to be working. It’s a constant struggle, but I’m learning to let it go, be calm. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.